Monday, November 21, 2016

the balance

I've written about this before, but it's been on my heart again more recently. There are so many times that people tell me or tell my boys that they're so lucky to be with me. They're so lucky to have me as a mom. They're so lucky to have the future they wouldn't have had if ....

I understand their heart, but I don't really agree.

I think adoption is amazing, but it always comes from a loss. It always starts with some amount of brokenness - and often for children a brokenness they have little ability to understand and no control over.

My boys didn't pick to come live with me. They didn't get to choose to come. They have a good life here. They are very, very wanted here. They are very, very loved. We do the best we can to parent them. We make plenty of mistakes. We say we're sorry and we try again, but I understand there's an ache inside of them that I can't meet and I don't understand myself.

I am so thankful I get to be their mom. It really is a privilege for me, but the best case scenario for them wouldn't have been me. And so when they come broken and crying or angry because they want to live with the dad they've never met. They're not lucky to be here. It's living in the balance of being so very glad they are mine and so very sorry for everything that happened in their lives to bring them here. The richness I've gained because of them in my life has come at a very high cost for them.

As they get older they are starting to understand a little more of why they came. It doesn't change the longing in their hearts for what should have been in their lives. It doesn't answer the questions that tear them apart sometimes, but I can honestly tell them I'm so sorry for how they got here, but so very, very glad they are here.

So we're living these days working through the pain and trying to cover ourselves in the love and grace of the one who adopted us. 

1 comment:

Cy McMahon said...

Hey Laura - this is so beautifully put. It's really a daily battle and a difficult conversation. Thanks for being you and putting adoption in a great perspective for us.