so maybe it's time.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Thinking a lot more than I have in a while about things. about life. about decisions we make. about decisions I've made. I think when life is crazy and busy I compartmentalize things away until life quiets down and I can find this little calm place inside to figure out what I really think about it - whatever "it" may be. The problem I've encountered lately is that life has not calmed down in quite some time and it seems all my compartments are full, but there's no quiet place in me to figure out what I'm really thinking, so I've found my filters are slipping and my answers are rather candid.
I've found myself being too short with little people who deserve more grace.
I've found myself out of answers for real needs.
I'm really sorry my friend is out of rice for her family to eat. I really am. I'm also sorry that when she asked me for rice today I told her I didn't have any more to give right now because I really don't have more rice to give today, but I also know when she says they don't have rice it means they may not eat because rice is sustenance here.
I'm really sorry I know a little girl being abused and I haven't been able to figure out how to get her away from the person abusing her yet.
I'm really sorry I have nothing left to give because I love them so much. because I want to love them so much, but I'm empty. . .

 Answer me quickly, O Lord! My spirit fails! 

Hide not your face from me, lest I be like those who go down to the pit. 

Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. 

Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.   

psalm 143:7-8

And so maybe it's just time to stop trying. To stop and just look up, like Peter should have done when he was walking on the water. Like Peter did when he prayed for Tabitha to be raised to life. Like Elisha did when the Syrians were surrounding the Israelites and he saw the multitude of the chariots of fire. And so maybe it's time to just look up and hope for hope to come alive again and wait for hope to come alive again because the one I'm looking up to hasn't changed.