Friday, November 07, 2008

I'm showing

I'm showing and I'm afraid I've learned that's not such a pretty thing. Jesus, they can see me and that's not why I'm here. It's not why you sent me here, but what do I do? how can I find more of you? I'm needy.
the kids at the orphanage want to switch back and forth from one game to another and I'm impatient.
another person on the street is calling out "hello, hello" and I am tired of being a foreigner that they want to talk to.
and so what do I do when I know the purpose of my being here is for me to decrease so you can increase. I need your kingdom to increase in my life.
what do I do when I've somehow grown weary in doing good and I'm not feeling so encouraged these days? when what I think you've called me here to do seems so far away and intangible and my days are filled with all sorts of other things, but is that really it?
And Jesus, you came though as a person, a precious little baby who grew into a boy and then learned the skill of a carpenter so that the hands which once formed the world now made tables and chairs. . . you were God from the beginning and you gave it up. Gave it away. You didn't hold onto your equality with God, so we could be restored and made whole when we were the ones who messed up initially. And you became man forever, not just 33 years. For eternity you chose to allow the decision to love us to effect you. You sacrificed yourself for my sin, but you couldn't stay dead because you never sinned. do we realize what it cost you? it's so much more than being on a cross for several hours and dying for a few days. and you knew all along that it would be this way. would I act differently if I realized how much you gave up? would that that I'm hoping in grow if I knew the magnitude of the sacrifice you made? oh how I want to say yes. Revelation please come because I don't even know where to start, except I know I need to cry out to you. when I see injustice repeating itself where do you break the cycle? how do you teach someone something is wrong when it's all that's ever been done to them and so I'm being driven back to the cross and back to my knees because that's what will bring change and I have nowhere else to go. that somehow my life would be so powerful that at the end of it it's not me they even really remember at all, but that they would be standing before others building the kingdom of God across the nations. and even as I come I have nothing to really give, but an emptiness inside because I'm weary and I've run as far as I can go and I'm out of good ideas and my words are few because I don't know how to pray or what you're saying, but I know you're the answer. And so I'm here now because I'm showing and I don't want them to see me. I'm not what it's about.

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