tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328515262024-03-13T21:30:01.187-04:00Life as it's happened so farJesus be glorifiedLaura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.comBlogger177125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-63915349576772763472022-10-20T10:50:00.001-04:002022-10-20T10:50:50.556-04:00thankful. <p> a picture for each year this beautiful city has been my home. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoWle5Lks1rP8HdZu_-Il3owOwvW4pMtB902i_zFqjVHBMi5ydFu-OZeQGs46zJq4BnEec5MSO_ryHn5X-fiubiX4h7YDyooEyBiO762pVQ5dntIxCdSPf_gxkAaP22NFESFRPGopJ2wc72jrlLmaPTccN5pheEZUA0_sUFReglhVCDU1E9A/s1280/100_8024.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoWle5Lks1rP8HdZu_-Il3owOwvW4pMtB902i_zFqjVHBMi5ydFu-OZeQGs46zJq4BnEec5MSO_ryHn5X-fiubiX4h7YDyooEyBiO762pVQ5dntIxCdSPf_gxkAaP22NFESFRPGopJ2wc72jrlLmaPTccN5pheEZUA0_sUFReglhVCDU1E9A/s320/100_8024.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; 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text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu3mk_rcCo-hM0gBW04J8xKiNKRAD8Br-2ufD5Uxg9bjF-UwCikNNH3wPNEQ8QLnWf6RnaXbk-w_ThzC38ZsU2w9c4ZdluOxGI817NVcuXTx9GQrut7ZKAjijXghXtXvVEX66pJ3UDn5UnG--kuwWY1SRKZq6P8lVAjsU0UK0rKAZZjgZ37w/s1280/100_0627.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu3mk_rcCo-hM0gBW04J8xKiNKRAD8Br-2ufD5Uxg9bjF-UwCikNNH3wPNEQ8QLnWf6RnaXbk-w_ThzC38ZsU2w9c4ZdluOxGI817NVcuXTx9GQrut7ZKAjijXghXtXvVEX66pJ3UDn5UnG--kuwWY1SRKZq6P8lVAjsU0UK0rKAZZjgZ37w/s320/100_0627.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-WGTYiaE8E1IX3T41CTOyAVsHkWt2Wg3OA7cPh3FNwFq1haGDh77o4nB7qokvq8AgkJ69sF4j6Mzjk1gEcWMjtARmD4MPnkp0hpMwX3OnRWuhCyMBzhIAPo2oLDHoGkH2ukLku4rl34Ryrqr_bU4QnY1718SBpaQ7J4qJH7hNyZQr8Y7UYQ/s1280/IMG_0812.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="1280" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-WGTYiaE8E1IX3T41CTOyAVsHkWt2Wg3OA7cPh3FNwFq1haGDh77o4nB7qokvq8AgkJ69sF4j6Mzjk1gEcWMjtARmD4MPnkp0hpMwX3OnRWuhCyMBzhIAPo2oLDHoGkH2ukLku4rl34Ryrqr_bU4QnY1718SBpaQ7J4qJH7hNyZQr8Y7UYQ/s320/IMG_0812.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpoikL1p2zELvUs9MaqMPKqEo5T9EAeax3rur4PdJ8zlVAc0iNufbLBG044YGbKwdEWY6YNnwHhty9VKww5iqkWcNGJHIdDLuivCL5Hnc-QBaER70AmD5Pr5HKM3MlnLJ6QMJI1_tt6_aTC3S95jRqW0weKFJYypfiYxU4p352OYNySj_jeA/s4032/IMG_5726.HEIC" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3024" data-original-width="4032" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpoikL1p2zELvUs9MaqMPKqEo5T9EAeax3rur4PdJ8zlVAc0iNufbLBG044YGbKwdEWY6YNnwHhty9VKww5iqkWcNGJHIdDLuivCL5Hnc-QBaER70AmD5Pr5HKM3MlnLJ6QMJI1_tt6_aTC3S95jRqW0weKFJYypfiYxU4p352OYNySj_jeA/s320/IMG_5726.HEIC" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p>the little girl who came here had all sorts of dreams and lofty ideas. i'm not so sure if they all happened or not, but what has happened is this beautiful story. </p><p>these chapters that have been written lately are telling a far better story than she could have come up with on her own because God is good and his faithfulness never fails.</p><p>today i am all the more convinced of this - from everlasting to everlasting, He is God and i have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. </p><p>i end today grateful. </p>Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-11363098537986567012017-07-17T12:14:00.001-04:002017-07-17T12:14:30.484-04:00to experience life. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
We're sitting in a hotel in Bangkok after sitting in a taxi and crossing a border and sitting in a van and driving and waiting and driving and waiting and it's all just so exciting! The boys were rifling through their back packs to see what surprises were awaiting them even before we had left our little town. The excitement was high today for more than just having their own fidget spinners (finally.) And they're a little bit broken already - the spinners, not the boys, but the excitement has not wavered.<br />
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We're sitting at the gate ready to get on our flight after hours of travel already. We walked to a street market for dinner tonight and each chose something we liked. The boys had mango and guava with spicy chili sauce before they say goodbye to their favorite fruits for a couple of months. As we ate and walked and throughout the day we've asked Ru what he thinks of his first time in another country.<br />
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The wonder on his face as he sees a real highway and watches the ridiculous traffic and all the rest of the new that he has experienced so far is everything I have anticipated it to be and it is joyous. It goes back to years ago when the dream to take these two boys and become a family first began and I had no idea whether or not it would actually happen and if it did whether or not we would ever be able to go anywhere, but we're on our way now.<br />
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And Rain is excited that he's staying up so late tonight because he doesn't remember staying up past nine o'clock before, so it's fun to be like an adult. And Ru is excited to see the plane take off and watch the city grow smaller below us tonight, but he doesn't want us to tell him everything that's going to happen - he just wants to experience it. and really, I am so grateful that he gets this chance and that he is eager to make the most of it.<br />
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Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-14878087497341068032017-07-15T19:27:00.001-04:002017-07-15T19:40:37.060-04:00goodbyes<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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This week I watched Rain say goodbye to another of his best friends. It's one of the things that gets me about living here. Sometimes people leave. And it's good that people move on to other things sometimes. We cannot all stay here forever, but it's hard to see friends go and even harder to watch your kids see friends go. It's happened for Rain a few times so far, but he's talking about it more this time.<br />
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I watched him Thursday night stand up in front of a room full of people and tell his friend what he liked about him and why he was going to miss him so much. It was watching him face fears and realize that he could. </div>
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I saw the matching paper crosses he designed so he could have one and give his friend one - so they could always remember each other "like the birds in Home Alone."</div>
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I've also heard him thinking things through and ask good questions about whether or not God will help him not miss his friend. And was it God helping him last year to not cry when his friend left or was that self control? And what will it be like now? Who can he be best friends with now? </div>
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And while I am sad he has had to say goodbye to his little friends, I am mostly more grateful that he has had such good friends. It is painful to miss people, but that is better than not having known what it's like in the first place.<br />
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Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-66565047692337580552017-07-15T19:08:00.001-04:002017-07-15T19:09:36.040-04:00it turned into forever<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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7 years ago this week Ruen came to visit and stayed forever. It wasn't what any of us had planned that day and it changed so many things in all of our lives, but I'm so glad it did.<br />
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Very often I hear people say that children grow up so fast even if the days feel very long and I am finding it to be true. Ru came as a little kindergartener and is now a teenager. I feel sad sometimes that we missed so many of his little years together. I feel sad sometimes that there are only two pictures of him from before you came to live with us and he are already 3 or 4 when they were taken. </div>
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One of my first memories of Ruen living with us happened a few days after he arrived. We were leaving from the base after eating lunch on our way to enroll him in English school. He was sitting on the back of my bike with his legs criss crossed so he would not get them stuck in the back wheel. We stopped at a friend's road side stand and she gave him some crickets. Then just as I was getting ready to go again, he fell off and landed on the street. I didn't even know what to do. He was perfectly fine and got up and climbed back on, but it still makes me laugh. </div>
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Now, this week, I got to watch him earn his yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do. I got to help him finish fifth grade which has not been easy for him. And tomorrow we leave for America after years of him wanting to go, waiting to go, not believing he ever could go. </div>
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It is true that we missed so much in those first six years that he was not with us, but the past seven years have been full of all of the times that make us a family. When we asked him what he's most thankful for in these past seven years it's being that family. </div>
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I am grateful his visit that one day turned into forever. </div>
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Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-72551454705953485642017-04-25T05:45:00.000-04:002017-04-25T05:45:09.338-04:00ending and new beginnings<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Yesterday at Jeevit's House we moved boxes and furniture and all the different odds and ends one accumulates living in a space and took them to the campus. There's been a whole process leading up to this decision that is good and wise and has been prayerfully sought, but it doesn't make the actual day any less difficult.<br />
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It's the ending of a season is what I tell myself, but it's a bit of a disheveled ending and the next one is not quite figured out yet. It's a making of a bit of a nomadic season and in so many ways I'm not even involved in the daily business of it and I have not been for a long time, but yesterday was more difficult than I anticipated it being.<br />
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As we were packing and sorting last week we came across all sorts of things I had forgotten about. Some brought smiles and some were reminders of sad things that have happened in the 7 years since Jeevit's House has begun.<br />
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The morning we got there to actually load up the boxes and move them to the campus one of the families came to get their rice. I talked to the mom briefly, but I didn't take the time to actually stop and have a conversation with her. I should have. I used to talk to her all the time and one of her daughters is one of the first kids I met when I moved here. Seeing her again led me to thinking about so many of the families we have worked with over the years. Some I never got to know well, but some of them are good friends of mine. Some of them I laugh with and share stories with and we pray for each other. Some have moved away to something better than what their lives were here and I'm so grateful. Some have seemingly disappeared... a neighbor heard they were moving here or there... or the neighbors don't even know - they're just gone.<br />
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After all the boxes were moved and most of the walls stripped bare the boys and I walked through the house again. The rooms were filled with memories of all that's happened there over the years. I remember riding our bikes around the city looking for places to rent. I remember finding this one house and making a contract with the landlord. I remember walking through the house in 2010 and dreaming of all that could happen there. I remember choosing to rent the house and the countless people who volunteered time cleaning and painting and weeding and working to make the empty rooms look like a home. I remember bringing home Rain from the hospital and the day Ruen came to visit and ended up staying forever. I remember Sophea and Sokly and Rung'sey who each lived there briefly. I remember the first VBS there that first summer and how children tumbled out of the tuk tuk like it was Mary Poppin's bag and how they came from every direction filling our house with their smiles and laughter as they were taught about Jesus. I remember Rain learning to walk, to talk, to ride his bike there. I remember Ru always wanting to climb to the roof of the playground and learning to speak English there. I remember the girls learning to sew in the office and the parties where kids were clambering over the gate waiting for it to be opened. I remember being greeted with the sun and a family needing help in some sort of crisis. I remember so many things.<br />
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There are so many memories from Jeevit's House. It was hard to say goodbye, but it was only a house. And what I must believe is that while this does bring a definitive ending to one season of Jeevit's House that it also brings a new beginning to another season and it will continue to grow and it can now flourish in ways that maybe weren't even imagined in 2010 when we first saw met that house.<br />
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Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-6471860441625487002016-11-21T07:13:00.000-05:002016-11-21T07:13:17.499-05:00the balance<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I've written about this before, but it's been on my heart again more recently. There are so many times that people tell me or tell my boys that they're so lucky to be with me. They're so lucky to have me as a mom. They're so lucky to have the future they wouldn't have had if ....<br />
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I understand their heart, but I don't really agree.<br />
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I think adoption is amazing, but it always comes from a loss. It always starts with some amount of brokenness - and often for children a brokenness they have little ability to understand and no control over.<br />
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My boys didn't pick to come live with me. They didn't get to choose to come. They have a good life here. They are very, very wanted here. They are very, very loved. We do the best we can to parent them. We make plenty of mistakes. We say we're sorry and we try again, but I understand there's an ache inside of them that I can't meet and I don't understand myself.<br />
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I am so thankful I get to be their mom. It really is a privilege for me, but the best case scenario for them wouldn't have been me. And so when they come broken and crying or angry because they want to live with the dad they've never met. They're not lucky to be here. It's living in the balance of being so very glad they are mine and so very sorry for everything that happened in their lives to bring them here. The richness I've gained because of them in my life has come at a very high cost for them.<br />
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As they get older they are starting to understand a little more of why they came. It doesn't change the longing in their hearts for what should have been in their lives. It doesn't answer the questions that tear them apart sometimes, but I can honestly tell them I'm so sorry for how they got here, but so very, very glad they are here.<br />
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So we're living these days working through the pain and trying to cover ourselves in the love and grace of the one who adopted us. </div>
Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-2305715136822592332016-10-20T06:42:00.002-04:002016-10-20T06:42:25.085-04:00a decade<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Ten years ago today I arrived in Battambang.<br />
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I was full of dreams and hopes and love for this nation. I was moving here because I knew that's what God had told me to do.<br />
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I was excited. I was homesick. I was naive. I was full of myself. I was nervous. I was scared. I was so happy to finally be here though.<br />
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I didn't know how long I was going to stay. I was 23 and my idea of a lifetime has been passed by many times already. Teaching English at the youth center seems like forever ago - and it was really. Church at the military hospital hasn't happened in ages, but it used to happen every week. It's been years since our days volunteering at the government orphanage have ended, but it used to consume my schedule. I still see kids riding their bikes around town that live there. It feels like Jeevit's House has been open forever. It's hard to remember a day when I didn't have my boys to take care of.<br />
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So much has happened in the last 10 years and I am so grateful. I have made so many friends. I have learned so much more than a new language. And I feel so very at home in this place.<br />
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I am in love with this city. I am in love with this nation. My life is all the richer for all the experiences I have had.<br />
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I still do not know how long I am going to stay. I anticipate it to be many more lifetimes. There are so many more dreams I want to see happen and so much more I have to learn. </div>
Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-56820356703898677812016-10-14T09:49:00.002-04:002016-10-14T09:49:50.533-04:00 7 <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Rain turns 7 tomorrow!<br />
How is that even possible?<br />
There are times I find myself looking back saying he was so little!<br />
When did he grow up?<br />
Where did my little baby go?<br />
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But I can't stay there because I am all the more in love with this curious little man as I was with that baby. He is charming and funny. He is full of adventure and his own special sense of humor. I have yet to understand most of his jokes, but his laughter is contagious. I am so glad he was born seven years ago and that six months later I got to meet him. I'm so glad that God has let me be mom to him and his brother. It is a great privilege to be trusted with raising these little men.<br />
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And so here's to hoping his birthday is everything he is expecting it to be from his breakfast of crepes and hot dogs through the rest of the day - and that this cake meets his exceedingly high and complicated expectations. At least he just wants green eggs and ham for dinner. </div>
Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-67618998557136886202016-08-20T10:50:00.001-04:002016-08-20T10:50:03.752-04:00waiting<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I get asked often how things are going with the boys' adoption or getting their passports.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I have exciting answers - like the day in March when we found out the court approved the adoption.<br />
<br />
Most of the times my answer is that we are still waiting. We have spent more time waiting than I ever thought we would.<br />
<br />
I have heard stories of people who waited 8 years for their adoption to be finalized. I have also heard stories of people who went from start to finish in less than 6 months.<br />
<br />
We are waiting.<br />
<br />
I have had lots of practice in waiting. There's a tricky balance to find here in waiting when we do not know how long it will take, when we do not know when the waiting will be finished, so we don't know exactly how to prepare for it.<br />
<br />
I've had our boys for 6 years now. It's been 3 years since I started all the paperwork for the adoption and we've made huge steps forward for which I am so grateful. This last step - these passports that we need feels a bit like a brick wall if you ask me though.<br />
<br />
I've noticed a pattern in this whole process. It's a complicated process that has worked out for us so far, but not in any of the amount of time we imagined it would. (Hence all this waiting.) This little pattern that has shown up though makes each step take a little longer than you ever thought it could and adds a few more steps in that you never knew existed. And the longer this takes the less surprised I find myself when things are taking longer than expected, but it also means I'm already expecting it to take longer than you'd think it could.<br />
<br />
So we play this waiting game.<br />
<br />
And this waiting game uses my patience.<br />
<br />
Because it's a choice I make each day not to be frustrated by not knowing when we'll hear from the person we need to hear from. And as the days turn into weeks and the weeks add up into months it's easy to get lost in what every day looks like and forget to pray for papers to be signed and approved - and for that phone call to finally come.<br />
<br />
There's been times that I have called a person every day just to check in on how things are going. Most of those phone calls were answered politely and I was kindly told that I did not need to call every day because she would call me when she had an answer. Some of those phone calls were not answered at all.<br />
<br />
Most of the time it's just waiting.<br />
<br />
And I have thought about calling so many times, that one phone number of the one person who knows more than you. But you can't call right now - it's lunch break. the boys are being too noisy. it's after work hours. And maybe if you wait one more day you won't need to make the dreaded phone call... because I'm not one of those people who loves to talk on the phone, but maybe, just maybe if I wait one more day I won't need to call because they will call me.<br />
<br />
And then I finally made the phone call to the only phone number I knew that could help us. And he doesn't know. It's moving through offices outside of his control. He told us where to go to find out what is happening, so we will go see those people in hopes that they have an answer for us and these days of waiting will draw to a close.<br />
<br />
So we are waiting each day by living. By filling our days with school and play and work and by filling our prayers with hope and asking. And waiting.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-52285579172705685382016-05-22T06:55:00.000-04:002016-05-22T06:55:15.160-04:00You made me a mom<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Six years ago today this little buddy made me a mom. You came into my life with your infectious little smile and easygoing ways and I loved you so much. There were many things different in becoming your mom but I woke up every 2 hours to feed you and you laughed and smiled and cried and grew. And you kept growing into this dear little man you are today full of courage and adventure, ingenuity and curiosity, and laughter that knocks you out of your chair .<br />
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Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-45942961864136619602016-03-28T09:24:00.002-04:002016-03-28T09:26:25.028-04:00It is hard and it is good. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">March 10th the judge approved our adoption. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I almost don't believe it because we've waited for so long for this to happen. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Years of trying to figure it out, years of trying to get it done and months longer than we expected of waiting for the decision all came down to one email from the lawyer sent seemingly casually on a Thursday afternoon - Your case was today. We will translate the documents and send them to you soon. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">That was it. Suddenly all of the waiting was over. The boys were ours - the boys are ours. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span>
</span><br />
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I have read blogs and books and stories that say "adoption is the hardest thing you could ever do!" </span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I have read blogs and books and stories that say "adoption is the best thing you could ever do!" </span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">From what I have seen I would say yes! </span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> To both of those things. </span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It is hard and it is good. </span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It stretches me in more ways than I can figure out sometimes to deal with paperwork and finding enough money for it and remembering all of the important details in the process and then still remembering these little people are struggling with pasts bigger than they can carry some days. </span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The judge saying yes brought smiles to everyone's faces. It still does when we talk about the boys' new names. It still does when we realize we're so much closer than before. </span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The yes doesn't change all the hard parts though. There are still days when the boys pasts catch up with them and they question how loved they are. There are still days when they are broken, when we are broken together. </span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Adoption has also given me a deeper understanding of what grace is, what love is - both loving and being loved, how it is costly and rewarding at the same time. And that we can come into their brokenness and stay. And the more we stay the more we see the brokenness healed. </span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So today we are one step closer to a paper saying what we has been true in our hearts for years now. </span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">We are one step closer to being an official family with passports the same color. </span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">We are one step closer to knowing what it looks like to say God's love is enough to cover all the brokenness and his grace is enough to make all the struggle beautiful. </span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-34188801383600508672015-05-22T10:32:00.002-04:002015-05-22T10:32:58.756-04:00"I became mom's kid day"<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
5 years ago today we brought Rain home from the hospital. He was seven months old. He was only supposed to stay for a few months. And most of the time I like to know what's going to happen and how things are going to work out. I'm so glad this happened differently than I expected. It wasn't in my plans for Rain and Ruen to end up staying for more and more months until those months added up into years and until those boys ended up working their way into my life and my heart in more ways than I could ever separate them and we became a family.<br />
<br />
I'm so glad that I've been a mom for five years now and I've had the joy of watching that little baby grow into this little man. He is wonderful in all his curiosity and repetitive questions. His laughter is contagious and he has added much joy to my life with his stories, his explanations and his charming smile.<br />
<br />
He has grown so much, especially in this past year, and I am proud of him and the way he has chosen to face life head on and embrace the world around him. He has taught me so much and made my life so much richer with the best kind of riches. I'm so glad we get to celebrate him today. He's so glad we get to celebrate "I became mom's kid day."<br />
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Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-57556837661686326932014-12-14T10:08:00.001-05:002014-12-14T10:10:34.943-05:00I wonder when. . .<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I got a phone recently from someone wanting to know if I or anyone I knew wanted a baby. The mother needed surgery and the father would need help taking care of their other six children, so if we could pay this one amount the baby could be ours.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I had to tell her, but we can't pay money to take someone's baby. Even though I know people who would love to take care of this baby and would do a really good job raising this baby.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I wonder when we will stop selling children. I wonder when we will stop buying children in this world.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">A couple days later I found out when we said no they sent the baby to live with a rich family in another city. My friend didn't know how much was paid for her. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">How sad this little baby will grow up not knowing any of her brothers or sisters.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I know kids in these situations.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I know children who have been adopted into wonderful families, but to do so had to leave siblings behind. And really, the choice wasn't theirs to makes or even the adopted family's. Cause I am almost positive if they had known they would have taken his twin brother too. Oh, I hope they find each other someday.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I have a boy with at least two younger siblings, a brother and a sister, but we can't find them, cause we don't know his dad.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I know children who were adopted, learned their new language and spoke of the family they left behind.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I know children who were adopted and shortly after the birth mother came back to check on how she was doing. She was glad for her. But how her heart must have been breaking.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I know children who were taken to an orphanage while the younger half of the family got to stay at home.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I know kids who were too sick or too small or it was too late to be able to help them and they just didn't make it.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">And I wonder when we will realize this great gift we have in raising the future. It is not a hypothetical thing. Each generation takes a turn raising the next. Do we like who we are raising them to be? Do we believe we are raising them to have good values when we deem it okay to pass them off to someone else, cause they can do a better job? Cause I don't want the responsibility? Cause what is more important - a family or that chance for education? Cause what really teaches them how to live in our world?</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I wonder when children will be treated like the prize they are and the future they are. For all our futures.</span></span></div>
Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-29872224363915711942014-10-19T23:34:00.000-04:002014-10-19T23:34:44.252-04:008 years later.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
8 years, 2 days and 15 minutes ago I boarded an airplane to travel 8,700+ miles around the world to a little town in Cambodia because I knew I wanted to spend most of my life living here. Because I had heard about this little nation several years before I ever got to come and I was falling in love with this nation by the time I first came a couple years before I moved here.<br />
<br />
8 years. I don't really feel old now, but when I think about the 23 year old me that moved here - I feel like I was so young. So. young. (probably because I was.)<br />
<br />
And here I am 8 years later and life has been full. Good. Hard. Exciting. Challenging. Hopeful. Exhausting. Full.<br />
<br />
Recently I stopped most of what I've been doing since I got here; I stopped working with something I helped start that I've dreamed of seeing become a reality for years that go before the desire to live here and something I imagined I would grow old doing. Everything I felt like I was coming here to do is finished and I do not know what will come tomorrow. The reason I came is no longer why I'm here and yet I am still here.<br />
<br />
I am finding myself needing to trust God in ways I have never known before and I don't know what this will look like.<br />
<br />
I walked away from everything that I've done for the past several years. I've walked away from all of what I've dreamed of doing for so long and I've watched as others are taking it and running with it. And this life is a bittersweet thing because I love the people who are still there - both those working with the families and the families themselves. And saying goodbye to them, trying to explain to them what I mean when I say I am taking a break for a little while wasn't an easy thing to do because while I think I may have gotten caught up in so many of the technicalities of making programs run I fell in love with a great number of people and I can't just walk away from that. I'm letting go of programs, but I cannot let go of the friendships that have grown from walking through life with people.<br />
<br />
And so now I've made my way to the coast with just my little raindrop in tow for the next few weeks. I'm so grateful for this time to be away and am fighting the want for it to just be about running away. It's good to process. It's good to think. It's good to figure out what God really is saying is next. There's such a big part of me that wants it to be a break and then to jump back into Jeevit's House, but I don't know and I guess when I signed up for this, I didn't sign up with my own conditions as hard as I may try to impress them upon God some days. But it's supposed to be that I do what he says, whether it's convenient or not, whether it's in my comfort zone or not, whether it's in my 5 year, 10 year, lifetime plan or not. It's not about me. And I find myself like John in the Bible praying may there be less of me and more of you. Whatever comes.<br />
<br />
And I am so grateful for these 8 years. For all the different seasons that have been caught up in the midst of them that haven't exactly followed the pattern of Autumn, Winter, Spring and Summer that I grew up with or even the Rainy season, Cold season, Hot season of life in this tropical beauty of a nation I call home today. For all the memories, for all the friendships, for all the lessons, for all the people and stories and times that have changed my life and stretched me and grown me and brought me to where I am today. And while I do not know what the next 8 years will hold for me, I do know that it will be good. It has to be. </div>
Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-35206503370933263542014-10-15T08:53:00.003-04:002014-10-15T08:53:53.307-04:00Maybe I'm the lucky one.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
First off, I need to say that I am far from being a fan of the phrase good luck - or he's so lucky, but yet I hear it a lot and probably find myself using it from time to time because sometimes I can't figure out what else to say. I don't really like it at all though.<br />
<br />
I don't think I could keep track of how many times I have heard people ask me about my boys and then tell me, oh he's so lucky now. They're so lucky now. They'll have such good futures now because they have you now. I'm not convinced that's really true though, not in a way that puts me down at all, but in a way that says - you know what - they do have amazing futures, but it's not because they live with me. The brightness of their futures rather is dependent upon God's having planned them out for them - and I think maybe I'm the lucky one because I get to be part of it. And really, I'm the lucky one because for the past four years and a handful of months I've gotten to be your mom and walk alongside you each day and see you struggle to learn how to do all sorts of new things until right now when you can do so many things. And maybe I'm the lucky one because you've taught me so much.<br />
<br />
Lately we've been learning some things of the most important kind, like how to write our names and our "gaw, kaw, go's" and our 1 and 2's . . . cause 3 is tomorrow's homework assignment, but far more as well.<br />
<br />
If you look carefully enough you can see through the holes of ritz crackers.<br />
<br />
Apples are for eating.<br />
<br />
Mangoes and crackers taste good together.<br />
<br />
Cold water is much better than room temperature water. And while we're talking about water - sometimes you need to stop the car to take a good drink cause it might go up your nose otherwise. If you have a straw it's even better.<br />
<br />
And there's sand and dirt at the ocean. And there's octopus at the ocean and something in the ocean is making us itchy and something to eat. And if you're in the deep part you can use the tubes to help you float, but if you're five now you might now want to use that.<br />
<br />
And birthdays are for being five and catwoman can fly. And birthday presents are fun to get and fun to share with your friends. Also, people - like Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Mommy, Rain, Trey, Buzz, Levi, Lightning McQueen - some listen to their moms and some don't. When they listen to their mommies their mommies get happy. When they don't listen to their mommies lots of different things can happen.<br />
<br />
And we've been learning about laughing at the hard times and knowing everything will be okay again. Learning to forgive and keep loving even if it's hard. Learning that second chances are something we all need to both give and to receive.<br />
<br />
So maybe they're lucky cause they get to spend these years with me as their mommy, but I know I am lucky to be the one they call mom.<br />
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Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-60731915669473550022014-10-14T00:49:00.001-04:002014-10-14T00:54:16.607-04:00Because it is. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I was watching as I saw these brothers who haven't seen each other in more than two months walk off together hand in hand. Watching as they went to play together and share little secrets. Watching as the younger so admiringly looked to his older brother and thought that everything he did was wonderful.<br />
<br />
And I am that mom. The mom that decides it's better to send one of her boys away. At 10. For a year. And thinks it's a good thing. Thinks it's the best thing for him. Because it is. I am still convinced of that. I am still convinced that this is somehow the best for him. The best for his brother who misses him so much. The best for me as his mom amidst all the lies that say I failed him somehow because I couldn't be what he needed me to be. The best for our family because we are still a family when we're hours apart from each other. The best for our family when next summer we'll have to figure out new patterns of how to live together and what to do when we have hard days, because we are still people. And so while I am hopeful and certain that this year will bring good things in all of our lives and it will make us more ready to be together in a year, I also know that we are still only human and things will still get hard sometimes. And there is that promise I want him to know - that we are a family who sticks together. Who fights together and not each other.<br />
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So he is far away this year. And I am missing so many days of memories with him. So many more when I already missed 6 years of days with him, but we will make up for it and they will be days of laughter and joy because we've walked through the hard days making good days all the sweeter. </div>
Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-44532627664355088722014-09-11T09:14:00.002-04:002014-09-11T09:14:31.448-04:00so maybe it's time.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I've been thinking a lot lately. Thinking a lot more than I have in a while about things. about life. about decisions we make. about decisions I've made. I think when life is crazy and busy I compartmentalize things away until life quiets down and I can find this little calm place inside to figure out what I really think about it - whatever "it" may be. The problem I've encountered lately is that life has not calmed down in quite some time and it seems all my compartments are full, but there's no quiet place in me to figure out what I'm really thinking, so I've found my filters are slipping and my answers are rather candid.<br />
I've found myself being too short with little people who deserve more grace.<br />
I've found myself out of answers for real needs.<br />
I'm really sorry my friend is out of rice for her family to eat. I really am. I'm also sorry that when she asked me for rice today I told her I didn't have any more to give right now because I really don't have more rice to give today, but I also know when she says they don't have rice it means they may not eat because rice is sustenance here.<br />
I'm really sorry I know a little girl being abused and I haven't been able to figure out how to get her away from the person abusing her yet.<br />
I'm really sorry I have nothing left to give because I love them so much. because I want to love them so much, but I'm empty. . .<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
Answer me quickly, O Lord! My spirit fails! </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Hide not your face from me, lest I be like those who go down to the pit. </div>
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Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. </div>
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Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
psalm 143:7-8</div>
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And so maybe it's just time to stop trying. To stop and just look up, like Peter should have done when he was walking on the water. Like Peter did when he prayed for Tabitha to be raised to life. Like Elisha did when the Syrians were surrounding the Israelites and he saw the multitude of the chariots of fire. And so maybe it's time to just look up and hope for hope to come alive again and wait for hope to come alive again because the one I'm looking up to hasn't changed. </div>
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<br /></div>
Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-4170685008029562272014-08-16T09:34:00.001-04:002014-08-16T09:35:48.863-04:00it's a wonderful complicated thing this rain is. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyzoSvShCMLCXTciF_W048N_EbnSIlDSPgp7tPA-RmNw1KN0OAZdIscFHFdR55aUz4Ve0HA4etx4DPRPqWgLKxnGsOF8SIfiM8xVYHpHkDKMfJusp-TY5bpR2dMba1c-TIqPNs/s1600/IMG_2972.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyzoSvShCMLCXTciF_W048N_EbnSIlDSPgp7tPA-RmNw1KN0OAZdIscFHFdR55aUz4Ve0HA4etx4DPRPqWgLKxnGsOF8SIfiM8xVYHpHkDKMfJusp-TY5bpR2dMba1c-TIqPNs/s1600/IMG_2972.JPG" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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It rained this afternoon for the first time in nine days. It's been a not so rainy rainy season this year. Today's rain ushered in a quite welcome coolness that still remains as this day ends. A group of us were playing frisbee out in a field when we saw the storm approaching from the distance. There's been a handful of deceptive clouds over the past week that have dissolved into nothing, but there was still hope this dark spot would materialize into rain. Gradually the clouds increased in darkness and the wind did crazy things to the frisbee. Then you could see the darkness reaching to the ground. Then you could hear the rain hitting the rooftops of homes in the distance. Of rain hitting the paved road coming towards us before finally coming and soaking us as our game came to an end.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisMJdcCMB5NvZ9DyuBEkcPYs_50AX2XDNHnBrehbqXt6Du5TjCtZ0wE5IPR0aJo6qIyRYhmsvS_51mwLh87C3dnRwCeGsk541mDT_R64BNls31o-00A0FxOJYtcNhicxYH21fD/s1600/IMG_6366.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisMJdcCMB5NvZ9DyuBEkcPYs_50AX2XDNHnBrehbqXt6Du5TjCtZ0wE5IPR0aJo6qIyRYhmsvS_51mwLh87C3dnRwCeGsk541mDT_R64BNls31o-00A0FxOJYtcNhicxYH21fD/s1600/IMG_6366.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a><br />
I love rain. I am so grateful for the coolness it normally brings with it. I am grateful for the fun that can be had in splashing about it in. I am grateful for the calmness that arrives with it when your plans are cancelled and rest prevails.<br />
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I have friends who don't like the rain so much though. One of our first big storms this summer I was home when it began. Rain was taking a nap in his room. I read a book. It was so dark in my room I needed to turn a light on in the middle of the day. It was a perfect afternoon. A day or so later I was talking with my friend. Her son lost his shoes in that same storm. It rained so hard their house flooded. Again. His shoes washed away. Again. And that is the reality of rainy season for so many of my friends. How many times this year will our house flood? Is there anything we can do to help our house not flood? What will happen when our neighbor raises their land higher and we become the lowest house on the street?<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNkwpfO1nPz2DAJiGBR7Z6VrQNBuwZStmSKBTZVKEErgUyKJcGd-g3EOEmmK1-e5QJB1K5aAJIgB2KZ3XYdca89FiwtOqNE7Q8mAMtr1R2yzNkhbNaw04LMUQ6wO08tqn-POvy/s1600/101_0295.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNkwpfO1nPz2DAJiGBR7Z6VrQNBuwZStmSKBTZVKEErgUyKJcGd-g3EOEmmK1-e5QJB1K5aAJIgB2KZ3XYdca89FiwtOqNE7Q8mAMtr1R2yzNkhbNaw04LMUQ6wO08tqn-POvy/s1600/101_0295.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a><br />
This rain is a wonderful complicated thing. <br />
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So completely complicating life for so many people as it muddies roads making driving a fun adventure or as it causes people to seek higher ground for their houses and brings with it questions of floods and all the troubles accompanying them.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMe8_47d-J9hnOCD2MkbFLOsE9xqCJaWyeV2Fmve5cZmwDCg_qX14r-hwpsS32xgfVuxlGn8uknAF8YOaKr6faS2hdb38wF0YUlj4mNNBImReL1oB7o0P9G3wtEHLdRDo_EZ1R/s1600/IMG_0806.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMe8_47d-J9hnOCD2MkbFLOsE9xqCJaWyeV2Fmve5cZmwDCg_qX14r-hwpsS32xgfVuxlGn8uknAF8YOaKr6faS2hdb38wF0YUlj4mNNBImReL1oB7o0P9G3wtEHLdRDo_EZ1R/s1600/IMG_0806.jpg" height="320" style="cursor: move;" width="240" /></a><br />
So completely necessary for the rice and crops to grow and flourish.<br />
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So completely full of germs like the flood waters that lead to an almost nationwide pink eye epidemic last year.<br />
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So completely fun to romp and frolic and play in.<br />
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So completely beautiful.<br />
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Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-5137715168967997612014-08-01T20:31:00.001-04:002014-08-01T20:31:30.242-04:00phone calls. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Last Sunday I woke up to an early phone call from one of my friends. Funny in the not really funny way how phone calls can change everything. She couldn't find her 13 year old daughter. She went out with her boyfriend and hadn't come home the night before. Could I help her try to find her?<br />
<br />
I've known this girl since she was seven maybe. Just recently I found an old picture of her and another little friend sitting together at a party. Sometimes it surprises me to look at the old pictures of kids who used to come hang out and realize it's the same young people I am watching grow up now.<br />
<br />
I prayed that we'd be able to find her last Sunday. I asked some other people to pray too, but I know the reality of how difficult it is to find someone if they don't want to be found here.<br />
<br />
Later in the day I stopped by their house. Her sister told me to call her mom, she was with her trying to get things sorted out and bring her home.<br />
<br />
In my mind that should have meant it was all going to be okay.<br />
<br />
But she didn't want to come home.<br />
<br />
And her boyfriend is 32.<br />
<br />
And her boyfriend's been married at least twice and has several kids.<br />
<br />
And she still didn't want to come home.<br />
<br />
And so wonderful organizations that know how to follow all of the legal proceedings have been involved in finding her and prosecuting him.<br />
<br />
Yesterday I got to sit in her house with her. She is home again, but she is furious. So angry that her mom would make her come home, so angry that her mom would prosecute someone her daughter cares about, so angry she can't make the choice to do what she wants yet.<br />
<br />
And her mom tells her it's not like that. It's a mother loving her daughter. If I didn't love you I would have stopped taking care of you years ago. It's a mother realizing what's happening when her daughter is blinded to it all. It's a daughter being naive and a mother knowing what it's like to stand in her shoes liking the promise of a better life that is really just a mirage. It's a mother knowing so much more than she's ever shared, and having so much more wisdom behind the decisions she makes when she tells her daughter yes or no. It's a mother knowing from experience how easy it is for others to lie to you and entice you to come with them, but for that to quickly turn into something else. It's a mother who was offered a cleaning job when she was young with a great salary a couple hours from home, but she arrived to find a brothel and she ran. It's a mother knowing she was lucky to get away, but her daughter might not be so lucky.<br />
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And here we are. Still unresolved. Still knowing instead of starting seventh grade this week we're trying to keep her from running back to him. Trying to find a place for her to go that she'd be willing to go and we'd be willing to take her. Still praying for her to understand she's worth so much and loved so much. Still grateful she is home. </div>
Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-26696505560412980912014-06-17T10:39:00.002-04:002014-06-17T10:39:55.286-04:00I want to wash the moto. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
Rain and I were washing our moto earlier today per Rain's request. It's not something I remember to do so often, but since the rainy season is beginning here it's slightly more obvious when it's washed or not. I find it somewhat superfluous to wash the moto though because we live on a dirt road and it just gets dirty again every time we leave. Rain was quite committed to wanting to do this today though, so we did.<br />
<br />
We started off dumping buckets of water on it repeatedly to wash away as much of the mud as we could. Our hose has been missing for quite some time now. Probably almost 2 years. It's just one of those things that I never remember to buy when I go out because who makes a special trip to the hose selling store just to buy a piece of hose?<br />
<br />
After the moto was sufficiently wet and a portion of the mud was washed away we started scrubbing with our rags and dish soap.<br />
<br />
It's easy to clean the headlight and the seats, easy to clean the parts that everyone sees. There's a few marks that have stuck around now - like the wood stain/sealant that's splattered over the front of the moto from a bouncy ride to a friend's house 3 and a half years ago. The moto still cleans up well for being 4 years old with many thousands of kilometers on it.<br />
<br />
As I kept cleaning though I inevitably made it to the exhaust pipe and the back tire and the underneath of the moto. And I had a thought as I was deciding just how committed I was to getting our moto actually clean tonight. Starting comparing this moto to our lives and realizing that it's so easy to make the top parts that everyone sees look nice and pretty - on the moto or in our lives, but the dirt is hidden underneath and it takes much more work to clean it out and much more effort to make it look nice and new again. And it's not always possible to do by yourself. You need more to clean the dirt off the underside of the moto. More pressure is much more effective. And more it takes more time to make the moto actually clean while in the process of it all far more dirt is washed out than you really thought was in there.<br />
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And that's how it seems to be with life sometimes too. The last few months have not been the easiest to walk through for me and as I'm trying to figure things out and understand what's happening now and what's going to happen I'm realizing that there is so much hidden underneath that's just not pretty. And it needs to be washed out, but if it's not done in the right way it will just leave a pile of mud all around me for others to be tainted with. There is a way to walk through struggles that is honoring to yourself, to those around you and ultimately to Jesus. I want that to be the way I take. I am trying to make that my reality.<br />
<br />
Rain was more intent on having a clean and shiny moto than I was, he was still trying to scrub away with his old holey sock that was caked in mud when I was calling it quits for the night. Even without a hose he was convinced he could get all that dirt off underneath if I would keep filling up buckets of water for him. This is one of my stubborn little men. Resilient to the core. Courageous. Honest. Committed. Persistent. and rather lovable. </div>
Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-46992619570940026452014-06-04T11:11:00.000-04:002014-06-04T11:11:14.643-04:00borrowed umbrellas and baby duck eggs. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Yesterday afternoon I went visiting a few of my friends, checking in to see how they're doing. It started raining while I was out driving from the first house to a different street where the rest of the families I was going to see live. Rain is a wonderful thing here these days because without rain it is so incredibly hot. The rain brings a coolness and a refreshing that you can only hope lasts through the rest of the day. It had not rained in several days, so this was a very welcome rain although I was unprepared for it and was hoping to make it home without becoming too wet.<br />
<br />
There were multiple times a few years ago when it would rain really hard and we would go visit our families anyway. Just deal with the cold and the wet. It's okay. Just walk through completely flooded muddy streets and take a shower when you get home - or at least rinse your feet off. And watch your friends faces put on big smiles as you show up in spite of the rain. (Really though, if you have a busy week and you miss some visits because of rain you must find another time to see them in that week. Really though, when a baby is eating only formula and you do not go you might get that phone call saying all the formula is gone. And really though, sometimes the next day is Saturday and that's a different kind of day.) I like that they know though that we will come whether it's a good time to come or not. We'll show up in the craziness of the rainy season and we'll laugh with them and let them laugh at us as we tromp through the mucky water that tries to invade their homes.<br />
<br />
Yesterday it was just a light little rain though and I found someone with an umbrella for me to borrow when I got there. I talked to a few different people making my way down the street.<br />
<br />
Mat Yay who used to be so little when she was born several weeks early is thriving now at almost 18 months. She did not say thank you when I gave her formula to her, but she reached out for it with a smile and an "oooh" as she pulled it close. Her mom says she knows just what that can is and makes her way over to it when she's hungry. <br />
<br />
Chealin called out my name with a smile as I walked by his house.<br />
<br />
Foo's family gave me a watermelon to bring home.<br />
<br />
I was invited to dinner at one house, but had to decline for the day. Maybe another time. <br />
<br />
Neang asked why we hadn't come to teach the Bible to the kids that morning. I'm sorry, we didn't have enough people to come.<br />
<br />
Srey Pech came running over and told me all about the cut on the top of her head. Doesn't look like the nicest cut, but I didn't have anything to clean it with. If she comes to my house tomorrow and it's still messy I'll clean it up for her. Apparently someone through a brick of sorts at her. She didn't seem to upset about it though. And while she is telling me this her mom starts telling me how Srey Pech (who is 4) fell in the neighbors outhouse the other day. What!? Yes. She climbed out though. When I asked how deep it was her mom said it was deep enough. Somehow this tiny little friend was able to catch herself on the way down and monkey her way back up with her hands and feet. I am so grateful she is okay. I am also grateful that her mom says and means, Jesus helped her. And as I was leaving her mom gave me three baby duck eggs to take home with me. I am grateful for the generosity really, but after all these years here I still cannot bring myself to eat one of these eggs. You see, there is a real almost baby duck inside. Real enough that when you consume these you sometimes know you are eating the baby ducks head. And they have feathers. I can't bring myself to do it. I hope I never have to eat one. My boys, they'll try most things. Three baby ducks gone. <br />
<br />
And so I visited my friends in the twilight and left feeling grateful to be part of their lives. They make my life so much more full. <br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-85754410924780021172014-05-23T03:20:00.001-04:002014-05-23T03:20:11.270-04:00due dates. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
Today I took my friend to get an ultrasound. This is her fifth baby. I have known her for at least 5 years. She is a dear, good friend. She is kind to her children. She is kind to my children. She loves and serves so graciously. She laughs and jokes and gives me this little look that says "don't be so ridiculous" and means "I love you and I'm grateful you're my friend. And I think you're ridiculous." I think I give her the same look sometimes.<br />
<br />
A few months ago I was walking down my friend's street when I saw her and another friend sitting outside of her house. I stopped to join them. The one friend looks over at the other and says, "you gonna tell her?"<br />
<br />
tell me what?<br />
<br />
silence - and a little smile.<br />
<br />
she's having a baby.<br />
<br />
what? really?<br />
<br />
silence and a little bit of a bigger smile. "well"<br />
<br />
when were you going to tell me?<br />
<br />
I don't know. I'm not sure.<br />
<br />
She's having a baby. She's a few months along already.<br />
<br />
Did you take a pregnancy test?<br />
<br />
No.<br />
<br />
Are you going to?<br />
<br />
I don't have money to buy one.<br />
<br />
do you want me to take you for an ultrasound?<br />
<br />
yes, please.<br />
<br />
And I really was going to take her ages ago, but that just never happened. We got her a test that confirmed her suspicions though. She really is pregnant.<br />
<br />
When are we going?<br />
<br />
I don't know. Maybe tomorrow.<br />
<br />
When are we going?<br />
<br />
I don't know. Maybe next week.<br />
<br />
When are we going? Did you forget about me?<br />
<br />
I didn't forget. I just don't know. <br />
<br />
Today her two year old and I took her to the clinic to get her ultrasound. While she has 5 kids this is her second ultrasound. She's having a little boy sometime in early September. Everyone was guessing for another girl, so they're all surprised now. No one was quite sure when he was arriving. They are glad to know now. I liked watching the baby move and seeing his little hands, his little feet, his little face and hearing his little heartbeat. Even more though, I liked watching her face as she saw him, as she heard his heart beating, as she listened to the doctor say that everything looks healthy and strong. She who is tired from trying to work and take care of her family and worried because they just don't have as much food as they used to, as much food as they need. She can know her baby is strong now. And healthy. And weighs enough. And is growing well. And it's a boy. And I can still see her contented smile in my mind as she laid there and remember the happiness in her voice as she told her family when we got back that there would be another little man joining their family. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-8235651609922532372014-05-22T19:19:00.001-04:002014-05-22T19:19:17.093-04:00I don't want it to make sense. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
Recently I was talking with a couple moms I know and one of them was sharing about some hard things she's been going through. Her mom is sick. Her dad is sick. None of her siblings will take care of them. And so she took medicine to medicine to lose a baby. What? Who took medicine for what? I was pregnant, but I don't have time to take care of another baby. No one would be able to take care of my parents. I slipped at the market one day and started bleeding, so I took medicine to make sure. I didn't want the baby though. <br />
<br />
And just before this I heard friends of mine miscarried. Friends who wanted a baby. Who still want a baby.<br />
<br />
And I don't really understand. I don't want it to make sense in my mind though, because it shouldn't make sense.<br />
<br />
A mom who left her three daughters with their grandmother when their dad and her husband died comes back a few years later after little to no communication with them at all. Comes back wanting to be involved in their lives, wanting to raise them, trying to prove she means it, but her mom will not let her take them. The grandmother is afraid the mom's new husband will harm or sell the girls. The grandmother is angry that her daughter left for so long leaving all the responsibility to her and now wants them back. She doesn't trust her. The mother is arguing that they're not being well taken care of, says they're not allowed to talk to her even though they live in the same place. And we can talk to the mom and the new husband. And we can go to the other side of the house and talk to the grandmother, but they won't really talk to each other. And yet there are three little girls who really just need to be well taken care of.<br />
<br />
And I don't really understand. I don't want it to make sense in my mind though, because it shouldn't make sense. It was never meant to be this way. So much in this world was never meant to be this way. <br />
<br />
<span class="st"><i>"If you find within yourself</i> longings that nothing in this world can satisfy it can only mean you were made for another world." - C.S. Lewis</span></div>
Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-65871058374554216802014-05-22T09:35:00.003-04:002014-05-22T09:35:27.827-04:00What's today Rain? <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
What's today Rain?<br />
<br />
"I don't know."<br />
<br />
What's today Rain?<br />
<br />
"the day I come living with Mommy." <br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
Four years ago today a very little Rain came to live with us. I did not know then that four years later he would still be living with me. It wasn't exactly the plan, but like so many other things, I am so grateful that while my life is exactly what I asked for it is nothing like I expected. I am so grateful that God sent this little man into my world. I have been so changed by Rain (and Ruen.)<br />
<br />
And this past year in our lives has been so full - of so many good things and so many hard things. I am proud of my little Raindrop though. I am so glad I get to be his mom, to have the privilege of watching him grow up, to see his tenacity, to see his courage, to hear his jokes, to see him learning new things and understanding life around him more, to try to help his little mind and heart understand the world around him in a way that points him to Jesus hoping and praying he continues to choose Jesus. And as he continues to grow up I am excited to see all the people who will know Jesus more because of Rain's life. I know Jesus more because of Rain's life. <br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
Who do you want to pray for tonight Rain?<br />
<br />
"Cake and ice cream."<br />
<br />
That's not a person.<br />
<br />
"Hmmm, God, Jesus, the angels, batman, spiderman, superman, all the people I know, all the people I don't know, all the pretty houses, all the people I like, all the people I don't like. . . "<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32851526.post-34231448593742779182014-04-07T12:26:00.000-04:002014-04-07T12:26:34.976-04:00little pieces of hope<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
I left Battambang today for a few weeks. And it's a very good thing that I am leaving. I am in the process of traveling to the first place I called home. It has been quite some time since I've been there and it has been a hard twelve months, so I am grateful for a chance to step out of all of the daily chaos and breathe. <br />
<br />
I like to think when I travel which is good because I have lots of hours to fill with little conversation.<br />
<br />
The first part of my ride today was one that reminded me of so many of the hard things we often see here. They are other places as well, but seem much more evident here. The driver in the taxi was talking with two of the other passengers about where they were going and why they were going there to the city they stopped in. I know pieces of their conversation were jokes, but combined with facts being shared it still left my heart remembering injustice needs to end. When they got out we picked up two other girls for the remainder of the ride. And I have to say that I am maybe more guilty than the other passenger in the back who asked them where they were coming from and where they were going after riding along for a little while, because she at least had the heart, the nerve, the guts to ask instead of thinking something that outward appearances may have suggested. It doesn't really matter who was right or what the right answer was. Once again though as I was preparing to cross the border I was thinking more. <br />
<br />
I left the ride grateful that it was over and fighting the feeling of wanting to escape from it all. I crossed the border and wondered how many beggars I would see on the street and how much more direct poverty would I face before I found myself in the security of my nice hotel room and the plush and easy life I am returning to in the states for the rest of this month.<br />
<br />
I don't want to run away from any of this. Not really. It's a beautiful mess that I've found myself in, and I would not change it for anything. Because the beggar just outside the Thai visa office had a beautiful smile that lit up her face when she looked at me. Because two of the guys working for the taxi company at the border knew where I worked when I said it was a Jesus organization. Because seven and a half years into this, Battambang is far more my home than anywhere else. So even in the past year of all the hard things. Of all the messes I've walked through, I've created, I've been part of - I wouldn't change it. And there are many, many moments when I feel like I have not loved my friends well, but maybe that's not the point. I may not have always loved them well, but I have loved them broken. And I think we are all a bit broken. I've come into each of the things going on in their lives carrying the brokenness and scars and the pain of all the things I have lived through in my life. Same as them. We're all broken. Our lives are all beautiful messes. The secret is that when you come together it is easier to stir up hope again, to speak those little words of life that light that little spark inside and give someone that little bit of courage they need to pick up the pieces and hope again, believe again, try again because they realize that maybe things look dark right now, but they're not really alone. And even when there's no words to speak, there's still to sit, to cry, to breathe, to know there's someone else who cares. </div>
Laura Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029342207463074093noreply@blogger.com1